Ugh! I thought as my alarm clock went off at five-thirty in the morning. Why does school have to start so early? I mean what kid wants to get up this early.
“Brooke, get up! Now!” My mother yelled as she banged on my door. All could do is roll my eyes and groan, again. I got out of my nice warm oversized bed, and went to my closet. What to wear, I thought to myself. I could wear my blue-ish skinny jeans and my favorite black top that read “Bite me,” I think that is what I’m going to wear. I take the two pieces of clothing and start walking to my door to lock it so no one can walk in on me. I walk in front of my full length mirror and look at myself. I forgot to take off my make-up last night so I have black make-up smeared everywhere, my long brown hair was a tangled mess, and my ripped pajamas made me look like a hobo. I roll my eyes at the image I see and walk closer to my door, as I lock the door I start getting dressed. After I finished getting dressed I went to my mirror getting my make-up removers from my make-up drawer. I start scrubbing at the black clumps of mascara and eyeliner, it comes off fairly easy, and I turn on my flat iron. I grab my black cover girl eyeliner and start applying it as the doorbell rings. I roll my eyes at the fact that Leah is going to walk into my house weather I answer the door or not so why even bother. As I predicted Leah walks in my room and flashes a smile to me.
“Hey, Leah, maybe you should wait till I answer the door next time.” I say with a slight laughter. I’ve known Leah since I moved here two years ago, she has short blonde hair, big sky blue eyes, the tan any girl would kill for and also a body a guy can only dream of. Leah isn’t your typical Nashville kind of girl.
“Maybe but you know me to well.” She said laughing as she sat on my messed up bed, “oh by the way hurry up we have to pick up Tyler.” Leah said smiling at, the name or the text she got. I roll my eyes and start straitening my hair.
“Wait whose Tyler?” I asked realizing I don’t know anyone named Tyler and in a small town like Nashville everyone knows everyone.
“He’s new here. My dad knows his dad so as a favor to my dad I’m showing him around and letting him hang with us until he finds friends or we become friends.” Leah said as she finished her text and put the phone in her pocket. I walk over to my jewelry box get my magnetic bracelet, and my extremely colorful necklace, I look in the mirror I see a girl with long brown hair, big dark brown eyes, Tan-ish skin, and a body any girl would kill for, or so I’ve been told.
“Okay let’s go all I have to do is get on my shoes.” I said leaning down to get my bags full of school stuff. Leah and I walk downstairs, my house is a typical everyday house, Pictures of my family and I everywhere, painted walls (Living room, kitchen the same shade of a calming baby blue.) I slip on my shoes as Leah walks to her Mercedes Bens and I get in the passenger side. Leah is also a spoiled brat bur she’s never been stuck up like all the other rich bitches in this town. We go down two streets, take a left and pull up in front of a huge three story house that I’ve been in before.
“Here we are.” Leah said getting out of her car.
“Leah, are you sure this is the right house?” I ask walking with her she shakes her head indicating that it was. Great, this should be fun. Leah rings the doorbell as I hide my face a little bit. Last time I was in this house I was fourteen, and let’s just say me and the boy who lived here never got along.
“Hey, Leah.” He said being very short. “What are you doing here, little girl?” He asked me as I rolled my eyes. The boys name was Nick he was eighteen, had a lot of muscle, had short spiked black hair, green eyes, and he never let his guard down.
“Getting Tyler I guess.” I said putting my head down as he walked away not expecting me to answer him. I don’t know why he never liked me I have never been rude to him although he’s a jerk to me. I guess I was raised better than that, unlike him.
I have a feeling this will be a romance piece. There are a few grammar mistakes and many punctuation errors. I feel like the story is a bit cliché, but you can get away with it if it’s written really well. As of now, it sounds flat and detail-missing. Try to add more imagery and reword some of the sentences. In a couple of days or two, I think you should review this with a fresh mind and read it aloud; this will help you pick out what sounds wrong and add in what sounds right.
Yours: Ugh! I thought as my alarm clock went off at five-thirty in the morning.
Me: It should be ”Ugh!” I thought as my alarm clock went off… because "Ugh!" is your thoughts. You should do this even if it’s written in first person.
Yours: I take the two pieces of clothing and start walking to my door to lock it so no one can walk in on me.
Me: I don’t think this part is necessary. It feels wordy and out of place. If you feel like it’s absolutely necessary, I think you should rewrite it to make it more appeal and flow.
Those are just some of my critiques, so don’t take it to heart! As a writer, you should always keep writing, no matter what others say. It’s about expressing your thoughts and putting your mind into use. By the way, I am guessing this is a creative piece? If so, you don’t have to be so technical. In "The Road" by Cormac Mccarthy, he did not use quotation marks 8D
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