Comments on: Do you like this? What can I do to make it better?

By: Kali

Kali — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 07:47:59 +0000

I have to admit, it was dragging along for me. I like that you want too be descriptive, but some of the things that you describe are unnecessary. We, as your readers, don’t need to know why she is locking the door, what brand of eye liner she is using, Etc. The readers aren’t incompetent, some things we can come to conclusions on on our own. I also think you are overly descriptive about the way your main character looks. You shouldn’t explain how your main characters look in such great detail all at once. Ease it into your story. Spread it out.

I hope I helped! Don’t give up, all you need are a few improvements and I’m sure this will be a great story!
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By: Hermes

Hermes — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 07:01:59 +0000

I have a feeling this will be a romance piece. There are a few grammar mistakes and many punctuation errors. I feel like the story is a bit cliché, but you can get away with it if it’s written really well. As of now, it sounds flat and detail-missing. Try to add more imagery and reword some of the sentences. In a couple of days or two, I think you should review this with a fresh mind and read it aloud; this will help you pick out what sounds wrong and add in what sounds right.

Yours: Ugh! I thought as my alarm clock went off at five-thirty in the morning.
Me: It should be ”Ugh!” I thought as my alarm clock went off… because "Ugh!" is your thoughts. You should do this even if it’s written in first person.

Yours: I take the two pieces of clothing and start walking to my door to lock it so no one can walk in on me.
Me: I don’t think this part is necessary. It feels wordy and out of place. If you feel like it’s absolutely necessary, I think you should rewrite it to make it more appeal and flow.

Those are just some of my critiques, so don’t take it to heart! As a writer, you should always keep writing, no matter what others say. It’s about expressing your thoughts and putting your mind into use. By the way, I am guessing this is a creative piece? If so, you don’t have to be so technical. In "The Road" by Cormac Mccarthy, he did not use quotation marks 8D
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By: Kaylen

Kaylen — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 06:33:59 +0000

its great! what happens next??? what do you think of mine?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aj40malw6joY9ktCTzgTWunsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20091117175700AAvJ4S8
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By: Dead, because I killed it.

Dead, because I killed it. — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 05:48:59 +0000

sorry but i got bored halfway thru
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